Summer 2016 I felt God tell me to begin writing down every memory I have from childhood, starting from the beginning. At first it was entertaining. I began to laugh thinking about how small I had to have been in order for me and my sister to be able to share the toilet seat. Or how my sister, dad and I would play an entire softball game with three players and a team of “ghost men” (not an easy thing to do, by the way).
Then I began remembering some of the tough moments. I wrote thousands of words, documenting the pain of my childhood. The divorce of my parents followed by my mother’s drug addiction and three additional marriages. Learning to be a young girl without the help of my mother and not really understanding why.
As I began to write, I felt justified in exposing all the pain the circumstances of my life caused me. The trauma that I experienced mentally and emotionally manifested into someone that I never wanted to be and I needed everyone to know why I was so angry.
I wrote half a book from a place of pain. But once I wrote it all out, I read over my chapters and said “now what?” I couldn’t figure out how to piece it all together to bring it back to a place of grace. God stopped me in my tracks.
My journey to finding grace is not about causing more hurt. It’s a path to forgiveness and acceptance.
Overcoming the hurdles of life can be exhausting. When I look back over my life experiences in just thirty short years, I know that I wouldn’t be the person I am today if life were any different.
We all have a testimony. We have a certain level of dysfunction in our life and in our family. We all have a story. But no one has your story.
“And they have defeated him [Satan] by the blood of the Lamb and by their testimony. And they did not love their lives so much that they were afraid to die.”
The Word of God also says that what the enemy meant for evil, God will turn it around for the good (Genesis 50:20). Those scriptures brought me back to grace.
Many times in life we ask God “Why me? Why did you choose this life for me?” I know for a fact God has preordained my life before me. I am reminded of the Israelites’ forty year journey in the wilderness and Jonah’s journey to Nineveh. Their lack of obedience and faithlessness changed the path of their journey. I can relate to each of these stories in such an astonishing way.
After being in bondage and slavery for 400 years, the Israelites were promised a land flowing with milk and honey- yet, they longed to go back to the dysfunction because the journey God provided didn’t look like what they imaged it would. I’ve been there.
God told Jonah to go to Nineveh and he literally ran 2,500 miles in the opposite direction to Tarshish. I’ve done that.
But at the end of the day, their final destination never changed. Grace found them along the way and brought them back to the place he predestined them to be.
I’m on my journey to finding grace. I’ve gotten off track so many times, but somehow, some way, God picked me up like a pawn on a chess board and placed me right back where I need to be- In his perfect will.
Don't get discouraged on whatever journey God has you on. Just keep your eye on the final destination and know that there is a Promised Land waiting for you if you just continue to stay faithful and obedient to his will.
Thank you for joining me in my journal to Finding Grace.
Enjoy the journey...